I have prepared for you, my valiant fellow-educators, a set of must-do's on that all-deciding first day when the instructor walks into his class...

ADVICE FOR INSTRUCTORS FOR THEIR FIRST DAY IN CLASS

1. Walk briskly into the classroom, wearing black suit, black shirt and white tie (and a bullet-proof vest underneath), with you faithful Sivas Kangal following right behind you; set up your tape recorder without a word and play a tape of Gencebay's "I was dead the day I was born".

2. Solemnly inform the class that your dog's name is "Kaatil" and announce that the name is a well-deserved one. Should any of the students dare ask a question, walk over to Kaatil and consult with him, saying in a guttural voice "What do you say to this, Kaatil? Shall we have a word with this young lady/gentleman after the class?"

3. Point an overhead projector at the class. Demand each student to whisper his/her name, serial number and height in lateral position, adding that this last piece of information is very useful for coffin makers.

4. Announce "you'll need this," and write an exhaustive list of painless suicide methods on the blackboard. Use capital letters.

5. Run a video on current popular torture implements in Turkey (collected by Mrs. Pişkinsüt), giggling and cackling to yourself throughout.

6. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.

7. Having gone through these preliminaries, open up a bottle of Yeni Raki; cut down some white cheese and tomatoes, and announce that the lecture will end when the bottle's done.

8. To enliven your lecture, pose an occasional question, then mutter to yourself "as if you gibbering simpletons would know" and move on before anyone can answer.

9. If anyone dares ask a question, walk grimly over to him, hand him your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smarty-pants?"

10. Refer frequently to students who died in the past while taking your class; not forgetting to announce that some of your students from last year are still recuperating in Manisa...

11. Address your students as, "Hey, you! The honourable worm there!"

12. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, then just carry on.

13. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"

14. Every so often, freeze in mid-sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.

15. Announce that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.

16. Announce also that there will be a quiz the next time the class meets, and the questions will be based on matching the names in the telephone directory with their proper addresses.

17. Finish your drink. Give your students one last challenging look.

18. Call to your dog, "Come on, Katil, nobody to bite here today". Speak to the class in a whisper just before you depart: "We will meet again," and give out a strange cackling laughter.

19. Walk briskly out of the class. Go home and relax with the BBG, the Televole fashion-model scandals, Psycho-Therapy with Sinan Çetin, news with Reha Muhtar, and all the other late-night horror shows...

20. Before going to bed, write forty times: "I shall not be affected and spoiled by all those silly TV programs that I watch; I shall be nice and helpful to my students, for they need me, and, given the chance, they'd love me, too...

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READING FOR FUN

This Is Hilarious !!  This Is A Real Killer !!

Each year the Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners for the year 2002

For Stress Management !!

Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air.
No one knows your secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that hectic place
called "the world."
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is crystal clear...

You can easily make out the face of the
person you're holding under the water...

There now.....feeling better?

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READING FOR FUN

This Is Hilarious !!  This Is A Real Killer !!

WHAT  INNER  STRENGTH  IS

01. If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,

02. If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

03. If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

04. If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

05. If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

06. If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

07. If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

08. If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

09. If you can conquer tension without medical help,

10. If you can relax without liquor,

11. If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

12. If you can do all these things, then ... ...

..............You are probably the family puppy!

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FOR ADVANCED LEVEL READING COMPREHENSION AND TRANSLATION

[All I want you to do is to read this lovely passage and translate Prof. Thornton's gems of double meaning into Turkish. You will thus have an impressive armory of ready-made statements at your service when you are asked to write letters of recommendation for downright incompetent people!]

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Lexicon of Inconspicuously Ambiguous Recommendations
( Ways to Handle Those Tricky Situations! )

You're called upon for an opinion of a friend who is extremely lazy. You don't want
to lie --- but you also don't want to risk losing even a lazy friend.

Try this line: "In my opinion," you say, as sincerely as you can manage,
"you will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you."

This gem of double meaning is the creation of Robert Thornton, a professor
of economics at Lehigh University in Bethlehem, PA.

Thornton was frustrated about an occupational hazard for teachers: having to
write letters of recommendation for people with dubious qualifications;
so he put together an arsenal of statements that can be read two ways.

He calls his collection The Lexicon of Inconspicuously Ambiguous Recommendations
Or LIAR, for short.

LIAR may be used to offer a negative opinion of the personal qualities,
work habits or motivation of the candidate while allowing the candidate
to believe that it is high praise, Thornton explained last week.

Some examples from LIAR

To describe a person who is totally inept: I most enthusiastically
recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.

To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow workers: I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine.

To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be better left unfilled: I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.

To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration: I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.

To describe a person with lackluster credentials: All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.

Thornton pointed out that LIAR is not only useful in preserving friendships, but it also can help avoid serious legal trouble in a time when laws have eroded the confidentiality of letters of recommendation.

In most states, he noted, job applicants have the right to read the letters of recommendations and can even file suit against the writer if the contents are negative.

When the writer uses LIAR, however, whether perceived correctly or not by the candidate, the phrases are virtually litigation-proof, Thornton said.

http://www-personal.monash.edu.au/~nate/humor/liar.html

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The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish"

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". This will certainly make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away.

By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evri vun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

 ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU! 

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"SQUAWKS"

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews: (P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION

(P) Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough...
(S) Auto-land not installed on this aircraft...

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid...
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage...

(P) Something loose in cockpit...
(S) Something tightened in cockpit...

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear...
(S) Evidence removed...

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud...
(S) Volume set to more believable level...

(P) Dead bugs on windshield...
(S) Live bugs will appear soon...

(P) Autopilot in Altitude Hold Mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent...
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground...

(P) IFF (Identification Friend or Foe) inoperative...
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode...

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick...
(S) That's what they're there for...

(P) Number three engine missing...
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search...

(P) Aircraft handles funny...
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious...

(P) Target Radar hums...
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics...

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READING FOR FUN

This Is Hilarious !!  This Is A Real Killer !!

Please Excuse My Son/Daughter...

( Collected By Headmasters and Teachers )

My son is under the doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Mary for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please eckuse John for being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today.

John has been absent because he had 2 teeth taken off his face.

Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Tom for being absent yesterday. He has diarrhea and his boots leak.

Please excuse John for being. It was his father's fault.

Please excuse Jane. She had been sick and under the doctor.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend a funeral.

Please excuse my son's tardiness. I forgot to wake him up and I didn't find him until I started making the beds.

Please excuse Harriet from school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it on Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Please excuse Ray from school. He has very loose vowels.

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*  *  *

DEFINITIONS

Experience : What you get when you don't get what you want.
Foreign Aid : The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
Gross ignorance : 144 times worse than normal ignorance.
Deja Fu : The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.
Clock : A small mechanical device to wake up people without children.
Conclusion : A conclusion is where somebody got tired of thinking.
Opera : Where a guy gets stabbed in the back and sings about it.
Capitalism : Man exploiting man. Socialism: The reverse.
Cheating : Playing by the rules they teach in business school.
Success : Success is just a matter of luck. Ask any failure.
Now : A moment in time that has already passed.
Health : The slowest possible rate of dying.

Consciousness : That annoying time between naps.
Poverty : Having too much month left at the end of the money.
Public Office : The last refuge of the incompetent.
Feudalism : When it's your Count that votes.
Bore : One who, upon being asked how they are, tells you.
Antonym : The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
Fine : Tax for doing wrong. Tax : Fine for doing fine.
Wit-lag : The delay between delivery and comprehension of a joke.
Lawyer : The larval form of a politician.
Flattery is like chewing gum. Enjoy, but don't swallow.
Cynic : A sentimentalist on guard.
Life is just a collection of low-probability events.
Pessimist : One who complains about the noise when opportunity knocks.
Committee : 12 people doing the work of one.
Conscience : The inner voice warning you that somebody is looking.
Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans.

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