PART - 1 

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Hey everybody! Having a bad day? Need to take it out on someone? Don't take it out on someone you know; take it out on someone you DON'T know! For example...

asshole = Şey, terbiyem müsaade etmediği için çevirisini veremiyorum... Siz bakıverin lütfen: İpuçları: ass, "merkep" anlamında değil, öteki anlamında (alternatif yazılış= "arse", ama bu daha da kaba); "hole", kendi anlamında... Need to take it out on someone? = Öfkenizi (vb) birisinden çıkartmak mı istiyorsunuz? Tanıdıklarınızdan değil, tanımadıklarınızdan çıkarın...

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hannifin. Could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe anyone could be that rude!

slammed down on me = telefon "küüt" diye suratıma kapandı...

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her; she had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up, I spotted that wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.

tracked down = izini sürüp buldum. (İzbul'uz ya!...) transpose = Burada "write" ile eşanlamlı gibi görünüyorsa da, anlamı "değiştirerek yazmak" tır. Örneğin, en çok müzik parçaları farklı anahtarlara göre "tranzpose" edilirler... digit = rakam, sayılarda hane... to hang up = telefonu kapatmak (ilk telefonlarda, ahizenin çengeline "asılarak" kapatıldığını anımsayınız: Oradan geliyor)... to spot = görmek, yerini belirlemek (genellikle, görülmesi biraz güç veya uzakta olan birşeyi görmek, yerini belirlemek anlamında çok sık kullanılan bir fiildir)... lying there = oracıkta yatıyordu (duruyordu)...

When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

to yell = shout, scream, holler...

Next to his phone number I wrote the word "Asshole" and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or having a really bad day, I would call him up. He'd answer, I'd yell, "You're an asshole!", and hang up. This would always cheer me up.

drawer = çekmece... every couple of weeks = birkaç haftada bir...

Later in the year the phone company introduced Caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me; I'd have to stop calling the Asshole.

introduced Caller ID = Arayanın numarasının gösterildiği sistemi getirdiler...

Then one day I had an idea. I dialled his number and heard his voice say, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi, this is the sales office of the telephone company, and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He said, "No.", and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and yelled, "That's because you're an asshole!"

I made up a name = Bir isim uydurdum... to be familiar with = aşina olmak...

The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to illustrate
that if something is really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-48XX.

Keep reading, it gets better...

Evet, doğru tahmin ettiniz. Öyküde, size "asshole" un telefon numarasını da veriyorlar. Ama ben bu numarayı, uluslararası bir skandala yol açmamak için sansürledim...

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 PART - 2 

This old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of her parking space; I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally her car began to move and she slowly started to back out of her spot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.

this old lady = bir yaşlı hanım [öykü anlatım dili]... really took her time pulling out of her parking space = park yerinden çıkmakta geciktikçe gecikti... to back out of her spot = yerinden gerisin geri... I backed up a little more = arabamı biraz daha geri aldım... to pull out = çıkması için...

Suddenly this black Camaro came flying up the other side and pulled into my spot. This guy jumped out, flipped me the finger, and jogged off into the mall.

this black Camaro = siyah bir Camaro [öykü anlatım dili]... flipped me the finger = bana parmak işareti yaptı... jogged off into the mall = koşar adımlarla uzaklaşarak alışveriş merkezine daldı...

I noticed that the Camaro had a For Sale sign in the window with a phone number on it...

A couple of days later I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-XXXX and yelling, "You're an asshole!" (It's really easy to call him now; I have his number on speed dial!) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call that guy, too.

the guy with the black Camaro = siyah Camaro'su olan herif...

After a couple of rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

I said, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hanson."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

"Sure."

"Don, you're an asshole!" And I slammed the phone down. Then I added Don Hanson's number to my speed dial...

 PART - 3 

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For a while things seemed to be going better for me, and now when I had a problem I had not one but two Assholes I could call.

for a while = bir süre, bir süre için... and now when ...etc = ve şimdi artık bir sorunum olduğunda... telefon edebileceğim bir değil, iki "asshole" vardı...

Then, after several months of calling the Assholes and hanging up on them, I found it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution...

hanging up on them = suratlarına telefonu kapatmak... 

First, I dialled Asshole #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."

I yelled, "You're an asshole!", but I didn't hang up.

The Asshole said, "Are you still there?"

"Yeah."

"Stop calling me."

I said, "No."

He said, "What's your name, pal?"

pal = dost, arkadaş... Burada, "dostum, arkadaşım"...

I said, "Don Hanson."

He said, "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and my black Camaro is parked right out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don! You'd better start saying your prayers!"

start saying your prayers = dualarını etmeğe başla...

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, ASSHOLE!" And I hung up.

Yeah = Yok yav!... like I'm scared = sanki korkmuşum gibi!... sanki korkmuşum da!...

Then I called Asshole #2.

He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, Asshole."

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

if I ever ...etc = eğer kim olduğunu bir öğrenirsem...

"You'll what?"

Eee, ne yaparsın ki?!

"I'll kick your ass!"

K**ını tekmeleyeceğim...

"Well, here's your chance! I'm coming over right now, ASSHOLE!" And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police.

I told them that I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.

gay lover = eşcinsel sevgili...

Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down on West 34th Street. I climbed into my car and headed over to watch the fun.

quick call = kısa bir telefon görüşmesi... head over to = -a doğru yola koyulmak...

Glorious! Two Assholes kicking the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, one news crew and a police helicopter. One of the greatest experiences of my life!

Assholes!!

Glorious! = Şahane! Harika!... to kick the crap out of smb = canına okumak, eşşek sudan gelinceye kadar evire çevire dövmek... squad car = (polis) ekip otosu... news crew = (medya) haberci ekibi...