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ADVICE FOR INSTRUCTORS

 FOR THEIR FIRST DAY IN CLASS

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O, my valiant fellow-educators... Here is a life-saving list of must-do's on that all-deciding first day when the instructor walks into his class...

01. Walk briskly into the classroom, wearing black suit, black shirt and white tie (and a bullet-proof vest underneath), with your faithful Sivas Kangal following right behind you. set up your tape recorder without a word and play a tape of Gencebay's "I was dead the day I was born".

02. Speak in a slow, portentous tone and inform the class that your dog's name is "Kaatil" and warn them that the name is a well-deserved one.

03. Thenceforth, should any of the students dare ask a question, walk over to Kaatil and consult with him, saying in a guttural voice "What do you say to this, Kaatil? Shall we have a word with this young lady/gentleman after the class?"

04. Point an overhead projector at the class. Demand each student to come up with his/her name, school number and height in lateral position, adding that this last piece of information is very useful for coffin makers.

05. Write on the blackboard a detailed list of known suicide methods, using capital letters, and announce to the class that they may urgently need one of these pretty soon.

06. Run a video on current medieval torture implements, giggling and cackling to yourself throughout.

07. Having gone through these preliminaries, open up a bottle of Yeni Raki; cut up some white cheese into bite-size pieces and some tomatoes, and make sure that the class understand that the lecture will end only when the bottle's done.

08. To liven up your lecture, pose an occasional question, then mutter to yourself "as if you gibbering simpletons would know that" and move on before anyone has a chance to answer.

09. Refer frequently to students who committed suicide in the past while taking your class; not forgetting to announce that some of your students from last year are still recuperating in Manisa.

10. Address your students as, "Hey, you! The honourable squirming worm there!" or, "How about you, you worthless vermin!"

11. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment looking out of the window, then just carry on.

12. At times, speak softer and softer until you lull the whole class into a slumber; and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"

13. Every so often, freeze in mid-sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.

14. Announce that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.

15. Announce also that there will be a quiz the next time the class meets, and the questions will be based on matching the names in the telephone directory with their proper addresses.

17. Finish your drink. Give your students one last challenging look.

18. Call to your dog, "Come on, Kaatil, nobody to bite here today". Speak to the class in a hissing whisper just before you depart. Say, "We will meet again," and give out a strange cackling laughter.

19. Walk briskly out of the class. Go home and relax with the BBG, the Televole fashion-model scandals, the series "Wolves' Valley", Psycho-Therapy with Sinan Çetin, exclusive interview with Medium Memish, news with Reha Muhtar, and all the other late-night horror shows...

20. Before going to bed, write forty times: "I shall not be affected and spoiled by all those silly TV programs that I watch; I shall be nice and helpful to my students, for they need me, and, given the chance, they'd love me, too...

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Doç. Dr. Yalçın İzbul

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