THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN

* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

* Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

* Any married man should forget his mistakes; there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. 

(Meaning, his wife will never forget or forgive them herself, anyway...)

* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

* A woman has the last word in any argument.

* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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A HEADLINE: BEER FOUND TO CONTAIN FEMALE HORMONES

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.

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WAR OF THE SEXES

"What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?"  "25 kilograms."

"What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?"  "45 minutes."

"If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?"  "Made her chain too long."

to nag = vıdıvıdı etmek... made her chain too long = zincirini uzun salmışsın

"How many men does it take to change a light bulb?"  "None, they just sit there in the dark and complain."

"How can you tell if your wife is dead?" "The sex is the same but the dishes pile up."

but the dishes pile up = ama bulaşıklar yığılıyor

"What's the fastest way to a man's heart?"  "Through his chest with a sharp knife."

"Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?"  The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts."

"Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?"  "She is the one who can eat the last donut."

donut (ABD) = doughnut (İng.) = Yağda kızartılan, çoğunlukla simit şeklinde ortası delik hamurişi.

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A MAN'S I.Q.

There's these three guys and they're out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish.

out of the blue = ansızın, durup dururken... mermaid = denizkızı...  to set free = serbest bırakmak... in return for = karşılığında... grant smb a wish = dile benden ne dilersen demek...

Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says, "Ok, if you can really grant wishes, than double my I.Q."

double myI.Q. = iki katına çıkar...

The mermaid says, "Done." Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analysing it with extreme insight.

to recite (ri-sayt) = şiir okumak ("resital" sözcüğünün de kökü)... flawless = hatasız, kusursuz...

The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid, "Triple my I.Q." The mermaid says, "Done."

The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been bugging all the scientists of varying fields: physics, chemistry, etc.

spout = fışkırtmak, püskürtmek, balina gibi üflemek (burada mecazi)... bugging (burada) kafasını kurcalayan...

The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, that he says to the mermaid, "Quintiple my I.Q."

enthralled = heyecan ve mutluluk duyuyor... quintiple = beş katına çıkart...

The mermaid looks at him and says, "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider."

"Biliyor musunuz, insanlar dilek dilerken normalde fikirlerini feğiştirmeğe çalışmam, ama sizin konuyu bir daha düşünmenizi gerçekten isterim..."

The guy says, "Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."

"Please," says the mermaid. "You don't know what you're asking...it'll change your entire view on the universe... Won't you ask for something else... a million dollars, anything?"

But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his I.Q. increased by five times it's usual power.

no matter what the mermaid said = denizkızı ne derse desin...

So the mermaid sighed and said, "Done."

And he became a woman.

*  *  *  *  *  *

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Love is blind; Marriage is an eye-opener...

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MARRIAGE IS...

A word which always means commitment - but so does insanity.

commitment = 1) söz verme, üstlenme, kendini bağıtlama... 2) kapatılma (tımarhaneye)...

A ceremony favored in England - it's the only way to beat their cold winters and lack of central heating.
favoured = çok tutulan... kalorifersiz soğuk kış gecelerine karşı...

The only permanent cure for love.

Aşkın yegane kalıcı tedavisi...

Something which is called a feast - unfortunately, the appetizer being better than the main course.

feast = ziyafet... appetizer = iştah açıcı, aperatif... main course = ana yemek...

The process that turns a female from an attraction into a distraction...

an attraction = çekici... a distraction = dikkat dağıtıcı... değerli zamanı boşa harcattıran...

Occurs where a man gets hooked by his own line.

occurs = ortaya çıkar... gets hooked, etc = kendi oltasına yakalandığında...

The process of finding out the kind of guy your wife would have preferred.

Karınızın nasıl bir koca istediğini öğrenme sürecidir...

A condition where no wife gets what she expected, and no husband expected what he was getting.

kadının aradığını bulamadığı... erkeğin bulduğunu aramamış olduğu...

A book in which the first chapter is written in poetry and the rest of the pages is prose.

poetry = nazım... prose = nesir...

Not a word, but a sentence. ["sentence" sözcüğünün anlamlarına dayalı bir kelime oyunu]

Bir sözcük değil, bir (1. cümle; 2. mahkumiyet kararı) dır...

A delightful form of combat where you get to sleep with the enemy.

delightful = hoşa giden, leziz... combat, etc = akşamları düşmanla birlikte yatıp uyuduğunuz bir savaştır...

*  *  *  *  *  *

MANBASHING

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
*You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

gasping for breath = nefes almak için çırpınıyor... to gasp = ani ve şiddetle (hatta dehşetle) ciğerlerine hava çekmek... soluk almak için mücadele etmek... Yanıtın açıklaması: Demek ki yastığı suratına yeterince uzun süre bastırmadınız...]

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
*Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

make it to = ulaşmayı başarmak... Yanıtın açıklaması: Çünkü hepsi Cennet'e gidecek olsa, orayı da cehenneme çevirirler...

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
*When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

hung = (burada sözcük oyunu var) 1. iyice tutulmuş; 2. asılmış... [Ancak, aslında unutmayın, asmak anlamına gelen fiil "hang - hung - hung" iken, idam etmek, adam asmak fiili ise "hang - hanged - hanged" düzenindedir... barely = ucu ucuna (geçenlerde "hardly, scarcely, barely" grubu olarak uzun uzun açıkladık)... noose = idam ilmiği... Yanıtın açıklaması: Parmağınız adamın boynu ile ilmik arasından ancak geçebiliyorsa, iyi asılmış demektir...

(ATTENTION, ye all well-hung roosters!! ADDITIONAL, EXTENDED  EXPLANATION -- to do due justice to yours divine properties -- will be found at the end of this page)

What do you call a handcuffed man?
*Trustworthy.

handcuffed = elleri kelepçeli... trustworthy = güvenilir...

Why do men like smart women?
*Opposites attract.

"Neden erkekler zeki kadınları sever?" "Zıt kutuplar birbirini çektiği için..."

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
*Make him wear shoes

bite nails = tırnak yeme alışkanlığı... Yanıtın açıklaması: Ayak tırnaklarına da "nail" denilir...

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
*To stop the snoring before it starts.

black widow spiders = karadul örümcek cinsi... to mate = 1) eşleşmek; 2) (hayvanlar için) çiftleşmek... to snore = horlamak... to stop sth before it starts = bir şeyi daha başlamadan durdurmak, engellemek...

How do men exercise on the beach?
*By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

to exercise = (burada) spor yapmak... to suck in one's stomach = karnını içine çekmek...

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
*He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

to plan for the future = geleceğe dönük önlemler almak, plan yapmak...

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
*Because they stay stuck in adolescence.

mid-life crises = orta-yaş krizleri [crisis: tekil (okunuşu: kray-sis)... crises: çoğul (okunuşu: kray-si:z)]... To get stuck = sıkışıp kalmak... to stay stuck = sıkışmış vaziyette olmaya devam etmek... Yanıtın açıklaması: Çünkü bir türlü adolesan'lıktan kurtulamazlar da ondan !!

TOP FIVE THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

[Ancak Kadınların Anlayabileceği Beş Şey]

5. Cats' facial expressions.

Kedilerin yüz ifadeleri...

4. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

Aynı cins ayakkabıdan çeşitli renkte pekçok çift...

3. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.

Bu renkler arasındaki farklılık... [Tabii, ben de bilmiyorum]

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made...

Bugüne kadar yapılmış bütün banyo tartılarının yanlış gösterdiği...

 AND the Number One Thing That Only Women Understand [Veee, 1 Numarada İsee...]

1. OTHER WOMEN / DİĞER KADINLAR

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WOW !!

MANBASHING !!

Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are man's best friend. So which is the dumber sex?

dumber = daha aptal...

Men are like fine wine: They all start out as grapes, and it is your job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have with dinner.

fine wine = iyi şarap... stomp on them = ayaklarının altına alıp çiğnemek...

Q: What does a neuron do in a man's brain?
A: It gets bored.

Erkek beyninde nöronlar ne iş yapar? Hiç, canları sıkılır...

Q: What's the best thing about your child turning 3 years of age?
A: Daddy now has someone who has more in common with him.

turning 3 years of age = 3 yaşına gelmesi...

Q: Why do women fake orgasms?
A: Because it's sad watching a grown man cry.

to fake orgasm = orgazm taklidi yapmak...

Q: Why do men only think of sex all the time and women don't?
A: Because women can think of more than one thing at a time.

at a time = bir defada, aynı anda, aynı zamanda...

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

to whistle = 1. ıslık çalmak (buradaki anlam o); 2. düdük çalmak... Because it helps ...etc = Çünkü bu onlara hangi ucu sileceklerini hatırlatır...

Q: Why is food better than men?
A: Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.

seconds = sofrada ikinci yemeğin servis edilmesi (yani, çorbadan sonra et yemeği, gibi)...

Q: Why did God make man before woman?
A: You need a rough draft before you have the final copy.

rough draft = kaba kopya, ilk taslak...

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WOW !!

GUYS ANSWER BACK !!

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

***A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

inserted = burada doğrudan doğruya "yayınlanması için verdi" anlamına (fiilin asıl anlamı "yerleştirmek, içine sokmak")... the classified = classified ads = bizdeki "küçük" ilanlar...

Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.

Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A: Two Mothers-in-law.

bigamy = [bi-gımi] çift eşlilik, aynı anda iki kişiyle evli olma... Tekeşlilik = monogamy...

Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

smart = zeki... (başka anlamı = iyi giyimli)...

Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A: Divorced...

divorced = boşanmış...

Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in...

to bark = havlamak... to yell = bar bar bağırmak... at least = hiç olmazsa, en azından...

Q: Why do men pass gas more than women?
A: Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure...

To pass gas = yellenmek, gaz çıkarmak... to build up pressure = yeterli basınç oluşturmak... (Erkekler neden daha çok gaz çıkarır? Kadınlar basınç oluşturacak kadar çenelerini kapatmazlar da ondan...)

A boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied,, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

"Evlenmek kaça maloluyor, baba?" "Bilmem ki, evlat, hala ödüyorum"...

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MEDICINAL COMPOUNDS FOR VAIN MEN

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How To Impress A Woman:

Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, buy flowers for her, go to the ends of the earth for her...

How To Impress a Man:

Show up naked.
Bring beer.

Additional explanation for the phrase "well-hung":

"Well hung" (or, "well-hung") is also an English idiom for referring to an inordinately long penis... It has been so for a surprisingly long time.

We find it, for instance, in Shakespeare's Twelfth Night  in a scene with Maria and the Clown:

Maria: ... My lady will hang thee for thy absence.

Clown: Let her hang me. He that is well hanged in this world needs to fear no colours.

To fear no colours = to fear no foe or enemies... So the Clown's retort means: "A man with a big dick need not be afraid of any men."

Shakespeare forces in another joke about "hanging" a few lines later:

Maria: Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent; or, to be turned away. Is not that as good as a hanging to you?

Clown: Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage...

Well, at least the clown seems to realize that even a big dick may not suffice to save a bad marriage...