"SHIT HAPPENS"

[ Türkçesi: Saçmasapan (boktan boktan) şeyler herzaman, herkesin başına geliyor bu dünyada...]

In the great Hollywood film Forrest Gump (1994 - based on a heavily satirical novel by Winston Groom), a minor character steps on an unspecified object, implied to be dog excrement, and the main character, Forrest (played by Tom Hanks), observes, "It happens." This incident is supposed to have inspired the minor character to spawn the "shit happens" slogan... However, some claim that nobody knows who first originated the phrase... Be that as it may, it has become one of the most popular sayings in modern times.

The word "shit" is considered vulgar, and thus is usually avoided, for instance, in teaching, religion, political speeches, and most news reporting. However, its use by ordinary people is widespread. Most commonly, it is used not to refer to feces, but rather in a variety of metaphoric meanings. Of these, perhaps the most common is that wonderful epithet of dismay, "Oh shit!".

Everyone wonders every now and then just why "shit" happens to them? Everyone seems to have a different theory... So, for your reading enjoyment, I present here a collection of various ways in which people may try to explain why "shit happens". I have collected many of them from the Internet (thousands of "shit happens" lists are going around). For a sizeable portion, however, I bear the responsibility -- and I should add that no other purpose than pure "intellectual amusement" was involved.

Yalçın İzbul

 

YES, SHIT HAPPENS !!

Communism: Equal shit happens to all people. We must work for our collective shit.

Racism: White shit happens to me; brown shit happens to you.

Commercialism: Let's package and distribute all this shit that happens.

SURE, SHIT HAPPENS !!

Secular Humanism: Shit happens because it evolved from primitive shit.

Scientific Analysis: When shit happens, the first step is to find out the exact ingredients.

Scientific Obscurantism: Amorphous excrement does occur in given cases.

Relativism: Shit equals WC squared.

Darwinism: As shit happens, only the shittiest survive. The principle is known as "the survival of the shittiest".

Historicism: The same old shit happens again and again.

Archaeology: All we can dig is the same old shit over and over again.

Ecology: As long as it is organic shit that happens, it's OK.

Green Peace: Save and recycle all shit as soon as it happens.

Classical Physics: Shit does not 'happen', it just moves around.

Quantum Physics: Shit happens but you can't say both where and when. It happens in discrete quanta called "shitons".

Holistic Physics: If shit happens, it happens everywhere at once.

Computer Science: If shit happens, we'll fix it in the next version.

Freudianism: Shit happens as an indication of your anal fixation...

Psychoanalysis: Shit happens because of your toilet training. It's all your mother's fault.

Pragmatism: If shit happens, we'll find a way to use it.

YES, SHIT HAPPENS !!

Selfishness: Let all shit happen to me only.

Altruism: Let all shit happen onto others.

Pollyannaism: Oh, how happy we should all be that shit happens to us!

Optimism: Shit knocks only once.

Pessimism: If shit happens, there won't be enough for everybody.

Paranoia: Shit happens cuz it's a plot.

Exhibitionism: Oh, I love to SHOW my shit!

Fetishism: No other type of shit should happen...

Masochism: Please, please let shit happen to me.

Sadism: No.

Narcissism: Shit happens in my own image.

Mysticism: Just empty your mind and let your soul fully experience the shit happening.

Agnosticism: Nobody knows why shit happens.

Gnosticism: I know why shit happens but won't tell you.

Atheism: I don't believe shit happens and that's all there is to it.

Platonism: There is ideal shit happening somewhere.

Stoicism: Shit happens? So?

Epicureanism: It's party time when shit happens. More the merrier.

Cynicism: Of course shit happens.

Occultism: Shit materializes from other planes of existence.

Surrealism: Purple shit happens near melting clocks.

Cubism: Why worry if shit happens? You won't recognize it.

Cultural Relativism: Shit happens everywhere differently.

SURE, SHIT HAPPENS !!

Confucionism: Shit happens to man who is not wise enough to avoid it... If shit has to happen, let it happen properly, Grasshopper.

Hinduism: Shit happens over and over and over until you're just plain pooped.

Zen Buddhism: If shit happens in the forest with no one around, who will hear the sound it makes?

Hare Krishna: Shit happens Rama Rama Ding Dong.

Catholicism: Shit happens because you didn't obey the Pope.

Calvinism: Shit happens to people who don't work hard enough to avoid it.

Puritanism: S*** can happen all day as long as you don't call it that.

Protestantism: Let the shit happen to someone else.

Greek Orthodox: Shit happens, usually in threes.

Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?

Sufism: The wise man never notices shit happening.

Zorastrianism: There is an equal balance of shit and not-shit in the universe... Shit happens half the time... Christianity stole half its shit from us.

Christian Science: If shit happens, pretend it doesn't really exist.

Biblical Creationism: Shit has only been happening since October 23rd 4004 B.C.

Creationism: And the Lord said "Let there be shit" ... and there came piles of it. After six days of this  shit, He rested.

Jehovah's Witnesses: When shit happens, don't call a doctor -- pray.

YES, SHIT HAPPENS !!

Bureaucracy: I don't care if shit happens as long as you fill out the forms.

Tax Office: Shit happens if you're on our shit list.

Tabloid Sensationalism: Green shit from Mars happens to Elvis's clone brother.

Feminism: Shit need not happen to men; men are shit themselves.

Kindergarten Teachers: If shit happens, don't forget to flush afterwards!

ROBOCOP: If shit happens, I am authorized to use extreme force.

Terrorism: Shit will happen unless you do as I say.

Military: Attention! Shit will happen: HAPPEN!

The Laundry : Sheets happen.

Nostalgia: Shit doesn't happen as often as it used to.

The Romantic: Shit happened as her heaving mounds pressed against his slablike hairy chest...