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XXX -- FIKRA -- 09

 

 

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THREE NUNS !!

Üç Rahibeler !!

Sorry, Folks; No translation in this instance! My delicate upbringing won't allow me to render this story even in damped-down, subdued and muted translation !! (Well, maybe a couple of words won't hurt much.)

There were three nuns waiting to be blessed... The priest asks the first nun, "Have you ever touched a man's penis?"

waiting to be blessed = günahlarından arındırılmak üzere sırada bekleyen... to bless = kutsamak, takdis etmek...

She says, "I touched one once with my finger." = Bir keresinde bir penise parmağımla dokunmuştum.

The priest says, "Put your finger in holy water and say three 'Hail Mary's.'" = Batır parmağını Kutsal Suya ve üç kez Hail Mary duasını oku.

It's now the second nun's turn...

She is asked the same question, but before she can respond the third nun runs in front of her and screams:

"I'm not going to gargle that water after she sticks her ass in it!"

= Asla ağzıma almam o suyu, rahibe kardeş kıçını daldırdıktan sonra...

[Moronlar için açıklama: İkinci rahibe kıçıyla, üçüncü rahibe de ağzıyla bakmış tadına!!]

 

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BEFORE AND AFTER

A man and his wife go off to bed. As soon as they settle down, the man leans over and whispers softly in her ear:

"Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet". = Sevgili karıcığım; kocacığının uykusu gelmedi henüz."

The wife takes the hint. _ Karısı imayı anlar, ve...

"OK, but I have to use the bathroom first."

So off she goes, but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up concerned:

"Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"

Öncesinde: "Ah, benim tatlı tavşanım, bir yerin acımadı değil mi, canım?

No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad sex for two hours.

Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.

Her husband looks over and grunts,

Clumsy bitch !!

İş bittikten sonra: grunts = homurdanır: "Beceriksiz enik sen de!"

 

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MAN FALLS ASLEEP AT CHURCH

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

minister = papaz (farklı mezheplerde farklı adlar alıyorlar... Reverend = veya "Reverend Father" = "Saygıdeğer Peder", hitap tarzı... sermon = vaaz... embarrassing = utandırıcı, mahçup düşürücü...

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take a hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

hatpin = "şapka iğnesi", büyük iğne... at specific times = belli zamanlarda (Burada Bay Jones'un uyuklamağa başlayacağı zamanlar kastediliyor)... to motion = (burada) işaret vermek... give a good poke = iyice bir batırmak, iğneyi iyice dürtmek...

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

to dose off = uyuklamağa başlamak... the ultimate sacrifice = kendini feda etme, yapılabilecek en büyük özveri... to nod = başıyla onay işareti yapmak...

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife poked him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones dosed off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

redeemer = kurtarıcı... congregation = cemaat...

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. But before long, Mr. Jones was fast asleep again.

The minister had now got onto the story of Adam and Eve. He asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?". Mrs. Jones bayoneted her husband with the hatpin.

before long = çok geçmeden... fast esleep = derin uykuda... after she bore him his 99th son = 99'uncu oğlunu doğurduktan sonra... bayonet /BEY-(ı)nit/= süngü, kasatura... (= kocasını şapka iğnesiyle "süngüledi"...)

The poor man jumped and yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"

= "O Allahın belası şeyi bana bir daha sokuşturursan, ortasından kırıp senin k**ına tıkacağım," diye bağırdı...

"Amen," replied the congregation.

"Amin" diye yanıt verdi cemaat...

 

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   Copyrighted 2001-2014

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HOW TO DEAL WITH OBSCENE CALLERS ?!

"Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action."

obscene telephone caller = telefon sapığı...

"Listen, asshole," came the reply, "If you can hold it in one hand, I'm not interested."

Listen, asshole! = Dinle, k**ımın kenarı !!... If you can hold... etc = Tek elinle kavrayabiliyorsan, ilgilenmiyorum...

 

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DOGS AND UNDERDOGS

the underdogs = ezilenler...

Four men in a pub were discussing how smart their dogs were.

smart = 1. zeki (özellikle çocuklar için kullanılır... 2. iyi giyimli (genelde erkekler için, ama kadınlar için de işitilebiliyor)...

The first was an engineer who said his dog knew a lot about geometry... His dog was named T-Square and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no great sweat.

with no great sweat = kolaylıkla... ("hiç terlemeden" kavramından)

The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named Slide Rule. He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem.

accountant = muhasebeci... slide rule = sürmeli hesap cetveli... cookies = kurabiye, vb türü şeyler... divide them into piles of three = üçerlik yığınlara bölmek...

The chemist said theirs weren't too bad, was but he felt his dog was better. He told his dog, named Formula, to get half a litre of milk, and pour five decilitres into ten glasses each. The dog did this with no problem.

All three men agreed this was very good and all three dogs were equally smart.

Then, they all turned to the fourth man who was an unskilled worker (but a union member) and said "What can your dog do?"

The man turned to his dog whose name was Coffee Break and said, "Show the fellows what you can do."

unskilled worker = vasıfsız işçi... union member = sendika üyesi...

Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, and drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back in doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for workman's compensation and left for home on sick leave.

to shit = (kaba ifade) kakasını yapmak... to screw = "becermek"... to claim = iddia etmek, öne sürmek... in doing so = böyle yapmakla, öyle yaparken... filled a grievance = şikayet dilekçesi doldurdu... workman's compensation = işçi tazminatı... on sick leave = hastalık izninde...

  WOW !!

 

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THE MOST VENOMOUS SNAKE IN THE WORLD !!

Dünyanın En Zehirli Yılanı !!

NAME: "Serpentine Trouserius" (Trouser Snake - Pantolon Yılanı)

HABITAT: Throughout the world.

venom /VE-nım/ = zehir (poison)... venomous /VE-nımıs/ = zehirli, poisonous... serpent /SÖ:-pınt/ = yılangiller için kullanılan bir başka ad... habitat = yaşam çevresi, doğal yaşam alanı...

DESCRIPTION:

* One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin)...

* Varying in colour from pink to black...

* Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet)

* Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & sub-species.

one-eyed = tek gözlü... mushroom-shaped = mantar şeklinde... layer = tabaka... fangs = yılan, kaplan, vampir vb. için, öndeki delici, kesici, yada zehirli iki uzun diş (ancak fil, yaban domuzu vb dişleri için "tusk, tusks" kullanılır; malzeme olarak "fildişi" ise "ivory")... spit = tükürük... sub-species = alt biyolojik tür... depending on its mood = havasına, ruh haline bağlı olarak...

IN SEARCH OF AN ANTI-VENOM:

1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.

2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.

3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, very rigid and start spitting.

4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.

5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.

reptiles /REP-talyz/ = yılangillerin de dahil olduğu "sürüngenler" üst familyası... thumb /THAMM/ (/b/ sesini okumayınız) = el başparmağı (ayak başparmağı = big toe)... to grip = kavramak, sımsıkı tutmak... in an upwards and downwards movement = yukarı aşağı bir hareketle... rigid /-cid/ = kaskatı, eğilmez bükülmez (katı ilkeler, karakter vb. gibi mecazi anlamda da kullanılabilir)... to milk = süt sağma... *milker = aslında fazla rastlayamayacağınız bir sözcük ve çoğu zaman da süt sağma makineleri için kullanılır. Normalde, sütün kadınlar tarafından sağıldığını düşünür ve "milkmaid" deyimini kullanırız. "Milkman" ise, bildiğiniz gibi, evlere süt dağıtan "sütçü" anlamındadır...

CONCLUSION:

This snake, although it is very active and aggressive, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet !!

necessarily = kaçınılmaz biçimde; muhakkak öyle demek değil, kaçınılmaz biçimde öyle olması gerekmiyor... vermin /VÖ:-min/ = örneğin haşarat gibi, muzır, iğrenç veya asalak yaratık... treated with the right respect = (başına "when" veya "if" de getirebilirsiniz) uygun ve doğru saygı ile muamele edildiğinde, edilirse... makes a wonderful pet = harika bir evcil hayvandır/olur...

 

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Yabancı XXX Fıkra: Türkçe Açıklamalı İngilizce XXX Fıkralar, World's Funniest XXX Jokes, Kesinlikle Dünyanın En Komik XXX Fıkraları,

Doç. Dr. Yalçın İzbul, "Practical English For Turks"

   Copyrighted 2001-2014

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